A penny for my thoughts?

Why is it that some people seem to have such charmed lives? They know how to relax, they know ho to get things done, they're assertive, they know how to have fun. Me? I'm buzzing all over the place. I have 20 things going on onside my head and I get each one confused with another.

"Is my nephews birthday party this weekend? Wait no, I'm supposed to go see my girlfriends new baby. Oh no, the birthday was last weekend, I have to call and apologize, no, I should get the gift first then I'll call and apologize. Oh my gosh, I forgot to pay my credit card bill, where did I put that darn thing, I should get dinner started first, then I'll be able to think straight."

Yes, this is what goes on inside my mind, ALL THE TIME. I try to sit outside on a sunny day and relax, get some house work done, or sit at my desk and work, instead, I do head spins until I'm so exhausted I can't get anything done.

I've been to the doctor and I've been perscibed medication that I no longer take. I'm concered about whether I truly have too much going on in my life that I'm literally driving myself crazy, is it a chemical imbalance or is the the way I've trained my brain to work.

The reason I quit taking my medication is I believe it's a combination of two of the above. Yes, I have too much on my plate and through the years I've conditioned my brain to work this way. Instead of lightening my load, for years, I tried to tackle everything that came my way. Then when unexpected events came along and/or disapproval from a family member I went in to overdrive and I've been there ever since.

I have to first learn to say "no" and second teach myself to stop trying to be WonderWoman.

If I could just get organized, I would get started *sigh*

Down in the Dumps

Feeling a little sad today. I'm so overwhelmed at work and with things going on at home, I just don't see an escape. I wish I could go away for a couple of weeks with a couple of good books and just relax and have a little peace.

I've had too much on my schedule lately. I just found out I missed a friends jewelry party last weekend. I didn't even RSVP. I don't like having things lined up for me constantly. I can be rather introverted at times and lately it seems like I've had people in my face all day every day. J is extroverted and keeps our schedule full. He's a little controlling and I'm starting to spin out of control because of it. The job doesn't help either. My boss just tried to hit me up during me lunch which gives me anxiety for the rest of my lunch period because I'm now waiting for him to come running over here at 12:45 on the nose to go over something.

I wonder if people actually have Nervous Breakdowns. The kind where they just loose it one day and wind up committed. I feel like I'm almost there. I just can't shake this feeling of sadness and wanting to get away and hide from everyone. I'm really thinking of quitting this job and breaking up with J. It's been very emotional for me. Money is tight right now and I know I love J, he's just not willing to comprimise. He wants everything his way and thinks I should be happy with that.

I haven't been able to be myself in so long I just want to hide somewhere and curl up in a ball. I feel like if I do that for long enough I will come out of it and everything will be ok. But I know thats not the case. So I walk around like some sort of zombi time bomb waiting to explode, or just keel over and give up.

I hate these days!

Deja vu

I just read a post on a message board that sparked my interest. It was about Deja vu. Simply put is a sense of familiarity with something that shouldn't be familiar at all. Why this intrigued me so much was I've been getting these weird feelings during some of my relaxation techniques. Usually performed at my desk while I'm under stress.

There are two types of Deja vu; déjà visité ("already visited") and déjà vecu ("already experienced or lived through"). I've experienced both in the past. What I am experiencing now strikes me as a little odd. The feeling I get from the experience is so pleasant that I sometimes try to capture it.

It ususally goes down like this: I'm at my desk going crazy and I decide enough is enough. I switch to my whatever gets done, gets done work mode and do something a little less stressful to work my self in to a relaxation mode. Usually just some easy posting. I tune everything out. All of the sudden I picture a neighborhood (always the exact same), its a sunny day and the street is lined with small brick bungalos built close together. Each one perfectly manicured, with large trees lining the street. Usually I just see the street. One time I got the feeling of strolling down one side of the block. Then the feeling goes away. It's a fleeting and "un-provoked" flash. Sometimes lasting up to 30 seconds (it seems). After the flash is gone I try to picture it in my mind again because it is truly a place I call "Perfect". Its as if every once of stress and anxiety is gone from me for that moment. Nothing exists but this sirene street on a beautiful sunny day. Even though I can still picture the street in my head that "never been so relaxed" feeling of the feeling of actually being there is gone.

I did a little research on the subject and found that there is a theory that Deja vu may occur when the brain is in a deeply relaxed state. Several psychoanalysts attribute déjà vu to simple fantasy or wish fulfillment.

So I now realize that through some of the techniques I practice I actually can reach a state of deep relaxation. The next step is how to keep it!

I'm beginning to think that as long as I'm at this job and I'm with J (Live in boyfriend) I will never achieve the peace I need.

I'll keep working on it!

Job Burnout on the Rise

At my desk this afternoon unable to work....I'm just too burnout. I've read and re-read every article on the internet trying to feel so not alone here. Here's what I've decided, I'm Beyond Burnout. Every list of symtoms doesn't even begin to describe what I feel on any given day in this place....AND....every list of remedies was written by someone who has NEVER really experienced REAL burnout themselves.

The remedy that gets me every time, to the point where I want to reach through my computer and grab the person that wrote and scream "Are you for real???" is......

"Schedule your time". What does that mean? When my phone rings, I'm REQUIRED to answer it. REQUIRED!!!! When work shows up in my "in box" I have to get it done ASAP. I have the bosses lurking around my desk asking if I'm done yet.

Here's another great one..."Identify the source of your burnout" It's my job, the whole thing. There is nothing about this job that doesn't stress me out. I am being paid to do what they want me to. I don't have a choice as to my schedule or hours etc.

Oh and gotta love "Get organized" If I had a spare moment, I couldn't spend it trying to get organized. I have to take a breather in order to make it through the rest of the day without getting dizzy. This is not a TV Sitcom, I can't walk across the street for a cup of coffee in the morning without having to take 1/2 day vacation time. I need every free moment I get, which is not many, to get ready for the next wave of work.

"It may be time for a career/job change" This one is the biggest joke of all. In this economy. I live in Michigan, the job market gets worse and worse every day. You no longer have your choice of jobs. Based on the current listings, I would have to take about a $5,000 pay cut to switch jobs. I have 15 years experience at what I do (yikes!) and barely make enough to get by as it is.

I don't ever think I've felt as much stress and I do coming in to work everyday. I stayed in bed this morning, as with every other morning until the very last minute. In between each snooze alarm I would lay there and pretend that I didn't have to go to work anymore. How wonderful that must feel. How much I could get done each day.............

If ANYONE out there has any advice or knows of an article with PRACTAL job burnout advice, let me in on it...

Anxiety Levels are Down

My anxiety hasn't been too bad lately. I've been working on relaxation techniques and they seem to help. I did have one event this weekend where I was running late for something and my heart started racing. Even after I arrived with time to spare it took over a half hour to get my heart rate back to normal. I did feel a little odd sitting with this group of people, wondering if they could tell my heart was racing and I had the shakes.

I never realized that so much of my anxiety stemmed from social activities. I love getting out and doing things, I enjoy meeting people, so I'm not quite sure what to make of it. I do a lot of volunteer work and before every single event I have an anxiety attack. No wonder I enjoy sitting at home in solitude and working on my website. It seems to have become my "release". Whenever I'm having a stressful moment if I can get away for a while and work on the site, it becomes "instant relaxation".

Minor stress at work today, although the phones are quite, my boss left town without leaving enough money for payroll (let alone any bills due). When I first started working here I felt sorry for him, I thought he was just a nice old man trying to keep his company above water. Now I realize he just doesn't care. This is just a source of income for him and he dumps anything remotely stressful on his emplyees. From my experience in business (or as common sense would say) .... it can't go on that way. Not only will it create poor morale for the staff, but you only get out of your business what you put into it. He is under the impression that he has an established company so it should be able to run itself now. He is also the king of giving people responsibilities without the authority to carry out the task. Its sad to think that his dad, who started a successful company and ran it successfully for 30 something years couldn't pass a little knowledge on to his son. No wonder so many second and third generation family owned businesses fail.

I have finally come the conclusion that I am not taking the grief for him. If he can't pay his bills, that's his problem, I will name drop and be honest about the cashflow situation here. If they don't like it then I'm off to the unemployment line. I have been taking on his stress for too long. I am now under the mindset of "If there's nothing I can do about it, don't stress....these are not my problems they're HIS"! I refuse to be a scapegoat for his problems.

Whew...that felt good to get off my chest...lunch is over...back to work.

Lori

Taking Care of Myself

"Learning how to take care of ourselves involves making appropriate distinctions about ourselves, others and life in general. One distinction that is crucial for our well being is realizing how and from where much of our stress is primarily generated. While some of the stressors that we face are apart of what it is to be a human being, much of the stress that we experience is of our own creation. A great deal of the stress that we experience has its origin in our own personal story and the meaning we make about life, in the thoughts that we think. Once we understand that we are truly the cause in the matter, that we are responsible for the thoughts that we create or invent and that it is from these thoughts that much of our stress is generated, then and only then will we begin to be able to truly manage our stress and have the power to live the life that we want and love. Blaming others or situations for that which we experience will only limit our power, lead to frustration and eventually a great deal of stress." Harry Henshaw, Ed.D., LMHC

Per my last post you can see I am living with acute anxiety. Part of the stress felt is not from not knowing who I am, but from associating myself with others who don't understand who I am.

Let me try and put it into perspective; I know exactly who I am and what I want out of life. Throughout my life I have formed many wonderful friendships. Friendships that need nurturing. When trying to fit my friends needs in, I sometimes have to sacrifice my own needs. That is not to say I don't believe in being there for my friends or that I don't want to spend time with them, but that I have a great love for life. This love comes from being able to enjoy so many different things.

Some of my greatest pleasure come from taking a walk along the shoreline after work to relax and soak in the beautiful view and hear the sounds of nature. I unwind by reading, watching movies, cooking, playing on the computer, playing with my cat. I actually enjoy house cleaning during the morning hours of the weekend. These are things I do alone, because I enjoy it that way. I can clear my mind and sort through things without input from anyone else.

I also enjoy a chit-chat with a friend, going out for drinks, sitting by the pool or the beach, boating and playing cards. These are things I enjoy doing with other people.

In order to achieve balance in my life I have to have time to do a little of all of these things. When this is disrupted I suffer from extreme anxiety. Lately my life has been leaning towards activities with friends and the part of me that wants solitude is starving right now. We have been staying with my in-laws for a few months while we have work done at home. The constant lack of privacy and chaos of hearing about everyone else's life, instead of having even a brief moment to focus on mine has become overwhelming. Its easy to see how some of my friends that are parents feel when they lose their identity to parenthood

During my normal flow, now that I am in a relationship, I seem to have a little less time for myself and spend a lot more time trying to accommodate others. I don't want my friendships to suffer so I find myself taking phone calls during my walks. Listening to my mother-in-law talk non-stop during a movie or while I'm reading. My father in law does all the cooking and cleaning, which are both things I enjoy doing to unwind.

I guess I'm just someone who doesn't need people as much as other do, and I'm feeling pulled in to many different directions, instead of heading in the direction I want to be.

I love my friends and I love my family, I just wish to be understood a little better. My next task is how to get the point across to people that I need a little solitude without offending them.

Going Crazy

I'm waiting for my new insurance card to come in so I can go to the doctor. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm becoming so dysfuctional I can't do anything anymore. My heart feels like its beating out of my chest...I feel like I'm seconds away from having a nervous breakdown.

I'm at work right now and I just can't concentrate. If the doctor doesn't find anything I think I'll lose it. This is no way to go through life. I sometimes get small little "waves" that last just a moment where I feel "normal" then the anxiety comes back. It's a constant feeling of nervousness and shakiness. My mind wanders and I focus on everything negative. There's nothing all that negative in particular, I just get this feeling of being overwhelmed. I'm sitting here focusing on all the things I need to get done.

Dating J, even though I love him with all my heart, drives me even crazier. He's a typical type "A" always stressing and on the go. He has to keep himself occupied 24/7. This usually includes me and I'm not that way. I'm typically laid back and easy going. The constant go-go-go just adds to my anxiety.

I dream of a day when I can sit at home without running on a schedule and just do whatever comes naturally; sleep in, clean house, read a book, watch a good movie. That never seems to happen anymore. Its always "wake up, we have things to do", go here, go there, do this, do that. I just don't see the urgency the way he does. Some of the things are so petty and can be done by one person, but he always needs me by his side. Aaaaargh.....when is the day going to come. It doesn't help the anxiety I already feel.

I used to work on a lot of "self-help" anti-stress techniques, which used to help significantly, but J doesn't seem to see my need for these.

I hate to think that the only way to ease this anxiety is to isolate myself and be alone all the time, but its what I crave. I don't even want to think this way, but I sometimes wish he would go away for a week or so and let me be. I would spend the whole week by myself de-stressing. I wouldn't answer my phone or make plans with anyone ( I have a fard time doing that now as it is).

I've pretty much cut myself off from my friends. I don't know how they have the time or even want to go out all the time, and make constant plans.

Here are a few examples of my thought patterns, when it comes to socializing:

Most everyone one I know spends time during the week, every week, out with friends, shopping, taking kids to soccer, dance and other activities. They go rollerblading and golfing while I'm driving myself crazy THINKING I have something else to do. I make excuses from a non-existent calendar. I always think I have something pending, while in reality, I may have one or two events that month and I take the half of the month thinking and stressing about it. I can't remember exactly which day the events are, this coming weekend, next weekend, or whether I have to prepare for them, so it consumes me for the month. Hence, I have no time to do ANYTHING else.

Everyone I know seems to have more time and get more enjoyment out of getting out and living, I feel as though I am isolated and stuck in a whirlwind. Granted, some of them don't work, or work less hours, but some have jobs with as many hours as I do. HOW ON EARTH do they find the time to do everything.

I'm driving myself crazy thinking about it. Hopefully I'll be able to get to the doctor's next week and I'll update on the results.