Going Crazy

I'm waiting for my new insurance card to come in so I can go to the doctor. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm becoming so dysfuctional I can't do anything anymore. My heart feels like its beating out of my chest...I feel like I'm seconds away from having a nervous breakdown.

I'm at work right now and I just can't concentrate. If the doctor doesn't find anything I think I'll lose it. This is no way to go through life. I sometimes get small little "waves" that last just a moment where I feel "normal" then the anxiety comes back. It's a constant feeling of nervousness and shakiness. My mind wanders and I focus on everything negative. There's nothing all that negative in particular, I just get this feeling of being overwhelmed. I'm sitting here focusing on all the things I need to get done.

Dating J, even though I love him with all my heart, drives me even crazier. He's a typical type "A" always stressing and on the go. He has to keep himself occupied 24/7. This usually includes me and I'm not that way. I'm typically laid back and easy going. The constant go-go-go just adds to my anxiety.

I dream of a day when I can sit at home without running on a schedule and just do whatever comes naturally; sleep in, clean house, read a book, watch a good movie. That never seems to happen anymore. Its always "wake up, we have things to do", go here, go there, do this, do that. I just don't see the urgency the way he does. Some of the things are so petty and can be done by one person, but he always needs me by his side. Aaaaargh.....when is the day going to come. It doesn't help the anxiety I already feel.

I used to work on a lot of "self-help" anti-stress techniques, which used to help significantly, but J doesn't seem to see my need for these.

I hate to think that the only way to ease this anxiety is to isolate myself and be alone all the time, but its what I crave. I don't even want to think this way, but I sometimes wish he would go away for a week or so and let me be. I would spend the whole week by myself de-stressing. I wouldn't answer my phone or make plans with anyone ( I have a fard time doing that now as it is).

I've pretty much cut myself off from my friends. I don't know how they have the time or even want to go out all the time, and make constant plans.

Here are a few examples of my thought patterns, when it comes to socializing:

Most everyone one I know spends time during the week, every week, out with friends, shopping, taking kids to soccer, dance and other activities. They go rollerblading and golfing while I'm driving myself crazy THINKING I have something else to do. I make excuses from a non-existent calendar. I always think I have something pending, while in reality, I may have one or two events that month and I take the half of the month thinking and stressing about it. I can't remember exactly which day the events are, this coming weekend, next weekend, or whether I have to prepare for them, so it consumes me for the month. Hence, I have no time to do ANYTHING else.

Everyone I know seems to have more time and get more enjoyment out of getting out and living, I feel as though I am isolated and stuck in a whirlwind. Granted, some of them don't work, or work less hours, but some have jobs with as many hours as I do. HOW ON EARTH do they find the time to do everything.

I'm driving myself crazy thinking about it. Hopefully I'll be able to get to the doctor's next week and I'll update on the results.