bad day

I can't seem to shake this bad mood...the need for some space and to be alone. I woke up this morning to J snoring. All I wanted was a half hour more of sleep before I had to wake up to go to the place called Hell (that would be my job). But no, even though he gets to sleep in because of a paid holiday week off, he can't give me that half hour. HOW ABOUT THOSE SNORE STRIPS SITTING IN THE BATHROOM!!!

I never did get back to sleep. I finally got up, made a much noise as possible, pissed him off and left for work.

I hate this place. I didn't even have the energy to shower before I came in. Lovely. It's hard to care when I spend 8 hours a day in a place I hate coming to.

I've been going over things in my head all morning. Actually its more like my head has been spinning all morning. I blame it on anxiety, but I don't believe thats all true. Its this downward spiral on a lifestyle that I've created for myself. It's not really as bad as it sounds, but when it makes me feel this bad this often, sometings got to be wrong. I'm just never all that happy anymore, I fly off the handle about everything and I'm always, always aggitated.

I guess its a give and take, when I was single I had a job I loved and I could be myself ALL the time, but I admit I would get lonely. Now that I have someone whom I love very much, I had to get a new job to help support his lifestyle and he's always putting on a show. I just can't do it, we are not the rich and famous. We are the well off, without a dime in the bank. **sigh**

Yes he bought me a new car. Little did I know I have to hand over most of my paycheck to cover it every month. A new car is one thing, but a fancy sporstcar beyond what we can afford is another. Its all part of the story, everytime we meet someone or everytime I compain about anything I hear the old "Didn't I buy you a new "***". God forbid I ever come back with how the ridiculous monthly payment comes out of my measly paycheck! By the way, I supposedly also own a mink coat (not that I've ever seen or gotten one), but everyone one we know has heard about it. To tell you the truth I don't like them and I don't want or need one. But to J it must make others extremely jealeous to hear that...so there you have it. It's getting so old.

I sometimes long to be sitting in the livingroom of my old apartment eating a great homecooked meal and watching a great movie with an ice cold beer and nothing or nobody else. Just sit there, knowing I have a couple bucks to spare; enought to go shopping if I want, or go out with a friend, even put gas in my car, which by the way I did with $3 in quarters yesterday just to get myself home from Hell. Pathetic.

Believe me, its not always bad. I just have moments where it builds up, hence the blog, to release some of my pent up stress.

I guess thats enough for now. I could go on and on but I better get some work done... SERENITY NOW !!!